Starting From Scratch
by Aeryn Ryker
Summary: Spoilers for Season 10. Olivia's reaction to Alex's return. Please review!
1. Chapter 1

**Spoilers for Season 10**

She had ignored me throughout the entire investigation, and I couldn't say I blamed her. Beyond any professional interaction, she ignored all of my attempts at…I don't know. Conversation, apology, or a combinations of both. Several times she simply walked away from me as I was speaking. She would have none of it.

I knew where they would be once the case was over. The same bar they had celebrated at since I had first come to be their ADA ten years ago. And I was not disappointed.

Walking into the bar, the stale stench of cheap beer permeated every pore of the place; I spotted them easily among the other cops and detectives. I spotted her among all others.

She was different; her hair longer, her eyes more sad than I remembered them being on any given day six years ago or even during that short glimpse four years ago. She might have put on a little weight with age, but it was hardly noticeable. She was still fit and thin and striking. Her olive skin the same tone that had haunted me since I left.

Our friendship, however, seemed to have disappeared right along with me. She had been my best friend before…the accident. I could still picture her eyes begging me to live as I lay bleeding to death on the sidewalk. I remember her voice praying, pleading with me to pull through.

And I remember her eyes as I stepped out of the van when she realized I hadn't died. The mixture of relief and fear all rolled into the panic of realization that I was leaving never to return.

But I had returned. They had pulled me away before I got the chance to say goodbye and I knew she probably blamed me for it. In reality I was grateful that I didn't have to give a second goodbye. Seeing the look in her eyes once was hard enough.

But now, now I was back for good.

"Cabot, nice of you to join us." Munch said, pulling another seat to the table. Right next to Olivia. She tried to hide the glare she threw his way but I caught it. She caught my eye for all of a moment before looking away.

"I hate to barge in, but I figured the offer to join you after a case still stood."

"Permanently," Finn said taking a drag from his beer.

"What can I get you?" The waitress asked politely as she noticed a new face. I took the seat next to Olivia, the close proximity affecting both of us. She resituated her chair, moving further away by just an inch. I felt every little bit of that inch.

"A beer is fine." I replied and the waitress looked surprised by my order but left without a word.

"A beer? Cabot I have never known you to drink beer." Elliot said, laughing. "Foo-foo chick drinks or nothing."

"A lot changes in six years, Elliot." I said, almost sadly. From the corner of my eyes I thought I saw Olivia flinch at my words.

"That it does. What have you been up to?" The man asked as the waitress brought me the beer.

I took a long drink of it, needing the liquid courage but not entirely sure why.

"Private practice mostly. Small law firm upstate dealing mostly in custody battles. Hated every minute of it so I came back hoping to get a job with the city." Olivia would not meet my glance; try hard though I might to catch her eye. She was finding the label on her beer bottle far more interesting.

"Your wish was answered. We've really missed you Alex." Elliot said sincerely.

"You have no idea how much I missed you guys. Even Munch," I said, trying to lighten the mood.

"Then why the fuck didn't you ever call." Olivia rasped harshly, barely above a whisper.

I took a deep breath, not really knowing how to reply. She didn't wait for it anyway.

"Three fucking years out of the program and you couldn't even call?" Munch and Finn were quickly disappearing, finding themselves out of place in the conversation. Munch gave me a look of apology, but I understood his urge to run. I had it too.

"Liv, it's not like she's not been through a lot." Elliot said, trying to be the voice of reason.

"Fuck she has!" her voice still barely above a whisper, contained through gritted teeth. She glared at me with so much contempt and anger it forced me to fight back the tears. I had never meant to hurt her.

"Liv, I don't have a good excuse." I said, almost pleading with her to stop looking at me like that. "All I can say is that I never meant to hurt you."

"Why didn't you call? Or write, or email?" Elliot asked calmly before Olivia had the chance to react.

"Like I said, every time I picked up the phone I remember what happened. And I hate being the victim, Elliot. I really hate the pity in the eyes of my friends."

"We never pitied you." Elliot said, understanding. Olivia still glared. "We lost a friend and wanted to make sure she was ok. After all the unreturned messages, don't you think we'd worry?"

"I figured you would simply forget about me and move on. There was a point where I couldn't talk to you even if I wanted to. After that…I don't know, I can't explain why I didn't call back."

Olivia hit the table and stood up. Throwing bills on the table she grabbed her leather jacket and stormed out of the bar.

"If you ever want her to speak to you again, I suggest you follow." Elliot said, getting his wallet out as well.

I ran towards the door and out into the chilly night air. She was walking down the empty sidewalk. Her quick pace made it hard to catch up so I ran.

"Olivia!" I called out but she didn't turn around or seem to even know I had called to her.

"Olivia for the love of God, look at me!" I yelled, grabbing her shoulder and spinning her around.

"What! What do you want from me? What could you possibly have to say after six years?" she spat angrily? "I called and called with not a single reply. Always hoping you'd call back. Always hoping you were ok. Not a _day _going by that I didn't wander where you were or what you were doing. You were my best friend, but obviously that meant _shit_ to you."

"And you don't think I thought of you?" I asked, getting angry myself. "You think I didn't wonder about how you were? Knowing the toll this job takes on you, hoping you had found another friend to go out with and vent to. Knowing I had probably been replaced. I _knew_ you guys had a new ADA the next fucking case, you don't think that killed me knowing I would never work with you again. That I would never see you again?"

"Then why didn't you when you finally got the chance? You leave without saying goodbye and then once you get the chance to come back you can't even pick up a phone to call us. You came back to New York for a reason, what was it?"

She was fuming but I easily backed her against the building with my glare. She retreated against my steps until her back hit the wall. I was surprised she had given me the upper hand so easily.

"I was going to try to talk to you. I had no idea I would get the job I did. I came back to work for New York because I love it. But really, I came back in hopes that I could talk to you."

"And what would you say?" she asked, calming down. I looked at her, no longer glairing, with all the emotion and apology I could. Her look of contempt faded in to a look of question and confusion.

"Nothing" I said honestly, pressing my body against hers and throwing caution to the wind.

"Then what…" I cut her off with a kiss. Capturing her mouth with my own and pressing every inch of me against her. Her surprise was obvious, but once she caught on she returned the kiss with a fervor I had not expected.

She put her hands on my waist and pulled me against her. I wrapped my hands in her hair and claimed her mouth. Opening her mouth to me, I tasted her lips and tongue and couldn't help the moan that escaped from my throat.

Pulling away gasping for air she stared at me, question still in her eyes.

"When did you realize that?" She asked pressing her head against mine.

"I thought of doing that every day since I left. Kicking myself for never having the guts to say something because I didn't know how you'd react." I continued to run my fingers through her hair, memorizing the feel of it between my fingers, captivated by the softness. "And then the nightmares of what happened seemed to overwhelm my feelings for you and I figured it would be easier to leave you out of it." I shrugged my shoulders.

"I wish I could have been there for you." She said, her fingers playing with the hem of my shirt. The sensation sent goose bumps up my spine.

"You're here now." I kissed her lips again, gently sucking her bottom lip between my teeth. She moaned and I absolutely had to hear that sound again.

"I'd much rather be somewhere else. " She said, pulling away. The words stung.

"Where would you rather be?"

"I'm taking you home, Alex. And then I'm never letting you out of my sight again."

I smiled but then smirked at her, pulling away.

"You think I'm that easy?"

"You apparently think _I'm _that easy. I'm not going to have sex with you." She said raising an eye brow. "But you will be sleeping with me."

"You think you can keep your hands off me?" I challenged.

"It's you I'm worried about. But just remember, I'm the one with the hand cuffs."

"Oh, my dear Liv. That has never left my mind."

**Please comment. Thank you!**


	2. Chapter 2

Waking up next to her gave me the oddest sensation. It was completely different from anything I had ever felt before. Wrapped around her from behind, I buried my face in her hair taking in the scent of her.

The scent of a woman, the scent of femininity. It was all I could process as all the emotion from the night before came flooding back through the haze of unconsciousness. Pressed against her silk pajamas in my borrowed t shirt and boxers, I took it all in.

The feel of a soft, warm, female body. The body of a woman…I cared deeply about? I couldn't say I was or wasn't in love with her. I had known her for years but to use that phrase was out of character. I did not take those specific words lightly. I did not know Olivia in this context. I loved her as friend, deeply, but as a lover…well we weren't even lovers yet so I couldn't say.

But I was in the bed of another woman. That thought alone caused me to think heavily on my feelings for Olivia. Did I know how to love a woman? Could I please her in _any_ way? Not to mention I didn't know the extent of her feelings. I had made it a general rule to not feel more for someone than they felt for me.

True enough, I had come back to talk to her, to get my friend back. The kiss the night before had been a passionate reaction to the situation. One I certainly did not regret.

"Would you stop thinking so hard back there?" Came a hoarse voice. I kissed her neck and pulled her close.

"Did I wake you?" I asked, cherishing the feel of her body. I never knew holding another woman could be like this.

"No," She said turning around in my arms. Her chocolate brown eyes still hazy from sleep looked deep into mine as if to make sure I was real. "Hi."

I laughed and she joined. I had missed the sound of her laughter and had never noticed how it lit up her eyes. She had a few more lines around her eyes than I remembered. Lines that only stood to make her more beautiful.

"Morning," I said kissing her lips softly.

"I couldn't go too far with that- morning breath." She laughed and held me against her, hugging me close.

"I missed you so much, Liv," I said, because it was all I could think about. How I had missed every little bit of her more than I had even realized.

"I can't believe you're here. Do you know how long I wished for you to come back so that I could tell you how I feel?" The words hit me and I realized I didn't have a reply for her.

"Liv, I…this is so new to me. I don't want to go too fast and ruin anything we have." I tried to explain but I could see the hurt in her eyes.

"What do you mean?" She pulled away and sat up. She ran a hand through her messy hair which only caused it to become more disheveled.

"I've…never been with a woman." I closed my eyes, afraid to see the reaction.

"Wait. What?" she said; her voice disbelieving.

"I've never had a relationship of any kind with a woman." I explained, not looking her in the eye.

"Neither had I till you left."

I looked up at her, confused. "I'm going to sound like an ass for saying this, but I guess I always assumed…"

"You knew I dated guys." She interrupted.

"I guess I thought you were bisexual. And you looked so surprised when I told you I hadn't been with a woman. Hell, you've walked in on some of my dates."

"I guess, I don't know. It goes along with the feelings I had, have, for you. I hoped that you were open to the idea so that I might stand a chance with you. I could pretend that all it would have taken was for me to grow some balls and ask you out and everything would be great because you were at the very least bisexual. I figured you had never said anything, even to me, because of your career." She looked flustered but I understood her reasoning. It was part of the reason I assumed she was bisexual as well.

"So what happened after I left?" I asked, going back to what she had said before. It had struck me as odd.

"You left, for good or so I thought. I wondered if my feelings for you were unique, gender wise, or if there was something else so I started going to lesbian bars." I closed my eyes against her words, jealous that she had been with other women.

"You replaced me." I whispered, hurt.

I was met with a small chuckle that made me open my eyes. Meeting her gaze I was put at ease. "You, Alexandra Cabot, could never be replaced. Tried, failed, and gave up. Yes, I slept with a few women over the last six years. And one horrible mistake of a man. All of those relationships, if you can call them that, taught me two things."

I raised an eyebrow.

"One, I'm done with men." She said matter-of-factly.

I chuckled.

"And two, I don't want women." She stated equally as firm.

"Than what do you want?" Realizing she could have given up on relationships all together.

"You. The whole time the thing that was missing was you." She kissed me suddenly, as if she suddenly realized she finally could. She put her hands on my cheeks and held me to her lips. Pulling away she looked into my eyes. "I want no one else but you. And now that I can finally have you, who I've slept with and my sexuality, none of it matters. Because I've spent the last ten years in love with you and not even knowing it."

"I…" I didn't know how to react. The loss of words was weird for me.

"I'm not expecting you to say it back, Lex. But you need to know; I love you. We'll take things slow, but I've realized this has been ten years in the making and it's finally happening. It's finally our turn to find happiness."

I knew then, because of her words, that I too was madly in love with her.

Sitting in bed in front of her, one of her hands still caressing my cheek, I could feel tears beginning to fall.

"I am so sorry I hurt you." I cried softly and she used a thumb to wipe at a tear.

"Shh…I could have tracked you down if I had wanted to. The fault is mine too."

"I never gave you a reason to track me down."The tears continued to flow and she leaned forward to kiss them away. My face wet and tear stained, she smiled.

"No, you didn't. But so help me God, if you ever disappear again…"

I laughed, choking on my tears.

"I love you." The words slipping before I had a chance to think. I had wanted to first time I said it to be special. I looked into her eyes to gage a reaction.

"Go brush your teeth, there's an extra tooth brush under the sink." She said getting up. I got up as well, hurt by her brush off.

"What?"

"Morning breath, brush your teeth." She grabbed me by the hips and kissed my neck deeply and hard. I couldn't help the loud moan that escaped my lips. She pushed the neck of the t-shirt aside and marked my shoulder, claiming me as her own.

"Because after we brush our teeth, we are going to make out like the two teenagers in love that we are."

I slapped her shoulder but laughed. "Teenagers? Really?"

"Well, I'm more the experienced college student, you're the teenager, I guess."

"I'm pretty sure I won't be fumbling without any idea what to do." I laughed.

"How can you be so sure?" She challenged. She walked in front of me towards her bath room and I grabbed her and spun her back around to face me.

My voice was low and husky when I replied. "Because I've been thinking about what I want to do to you for over six years." I whispered in her ear.

Then I took off as fast as I could towards the bath room, Olivia close behind.


End file.
